It’s The Dead Who Determine How Long We Should Mourn For Them.

A few years ago a man whose wife died a few months previously came to me and asked, “How long should I mourn my wife’s death?” Here’s where it gets complicated.

This man’s wife had been unfaithful, in and out of rehab and generally had a poor reputation in the community. They had been married close to 20 years but one final affair led to a very difficult divorce only two months before she died in a car crash.

Her former husband had no real love for his former wife and even felt guilty about that.  But beyond that some family and friends thought he wasn’t showing the “appropriate amount of sadness.” Apparently his going on a fishing trip and tailgating while attending a few college football games with friends only a month after her death was disrespectful. “So Clare are they right?”

“It isn’t the living who determine how long you should mourn. It’s the dead,” I told him.

“If a man, or woman lives a life of kindness, generosity and love, those who were close to them will naturally mourn them because they genuinely miss their presence in their lives.

However, if a person is unkind, selfish and demanding, very few people will be sad for long and they deserve very little mourning. That’s why I say it’s the dead who by the life they led who for all practical purposes determine how the living will mourn them.

So, based on what you told me you have no reason to feel guilty about enjoying life.”

I Corinthians 7:39,40 makes it very clear that death ends our obligation to our spouse and I know of no teaching in Scripture that dictates how long a spouse, or anyone should mourn. There are numerous stories of people mourning for the dead, but no command, or teaching to do so for all Christians I’m aware of.”

I recently attended a funeral for a godly man and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Months later his family and friends were still telling stories that only a life well lived will generate. It’s a good lesson for each of us. If we hope to be mourned, live a life that makes Jesus look good.