Is Cohabitation a Sin?

II spend a good deal of my time spiritually mentoring 20- to 30-year-old men, often single. And I'm still shocked when they freely disclose without a hint of embarrassment that they're living with their girlfriend. I'd expect this indifference to violating God's moral laws from non-Christians. But I often get the same response from men raised in Christian homes and who actually attend church with their girlfriends! They often ask me to name a verse in the Bible that clearly prohibits sex before marriage. There aren't many.

There are tons of verses like the one at the end of this blog that warn against sexual sins and sexual immorality. The Greek term "Porneia" is a catch-all for all sexual sin and theologians have pointed out that both Jesus and the Jewish religious leaders were on the same page that all sex outside of marriage was a sin. Lusting, oral sex, same-sex sex, bestiality, prostitution or going to a prostitute, adultery, sex with family members, etc. Jesus didn't specifically address all these kinds of sins because all Jews assumed God prohibited them.

So why is this happening and how can you frame the conversation with your own cohabiting children, grandchildren or the singles you're mentoring? Here's how I try to address this issue.

It's not cohabitation that's the sin – it's sex!

Later in this blog I'll get to why cohabitation is so very unwise and actually toxic to future marriage. But I'm unaware of any actual biblical prohibition against two unmarried people living together. However I have yet to meet a man and woman living together who denied they were having sex. So that's the first problem!

While unmarried Christians might try to minimize the seriousness of sex outside of marriage (fornication) because everyone is "doing it" (largely true) or "we intend to get married" (probably not, statistically) the Bible calls it sin.

Why cohabitation is both unwise and toxic to relationships.

Cohabitation hinders a couple's witness as followers of Jesus to other people.

Even non-Christians generally know the Bible prohibits or at the very least frowns on sex outside of marriage. So when they meet "Christians" living together what do you think they think about God? Jesus said this: "In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16. Cohabitation by Christians serves as an excuse for non-Christians to not take God seriously if Christians themselves don't!

Cohabiting Christians lose the moral high ground for speaking truth to their future children.

The maxim "do as I say, not as I do" is generally thought of as the very definition of hypocrisy. Someday cohabiting couples, either together or with some other spouse, will likely have children. And when those children grow to being young adults and are tempted to make sinful sexual choices, just what moral gravitas can these parents draw on to encourage purity. The answer is none even if they come to be serious followers of Jesus. There's another old maxim that comes to mind: "Christianity is more caught than taught!"

Data and Conclusions from non-Christians

The University of Virginia in partnership with Rutgers University have spent years studying the effects of cohabitation, not from a moral viewpoint but from the long term effects on future marriages, children and personal happiness. Their groundbreaking professional work was called the Marriage Project. (www.nationalmarriageproject.org) Their conclusions ought to make every rational cohabiting person give their keys back to their roommates today!

Here are several of their conclusions:

If you live together before getting married you're putting your future marriage in danger!

The Marriage Project (MP) found that cohabiting appears to be so counterproductive to long-lasting marriages that unmarried couples should absolutely avoid living together especially if it involves children. They concluded that living together in this fragile family form poses risks to women and children. Why? Men often enter such relationships with less intention of marrying than women. They are often pressured into "moving in" by a woman hoping the move will lead to marriage. And men gladly accept the invitation generally for sexual or financial reasons without the restraints of a long-term commitment -- marriage. The absence of any strong moral or legal restraint that generally forces married couples to get counseling to "make it work" when they encounter difficulties makes it far less likely that cohabiting couples will actually stay together. Children in these fragile relationships have an even higher degree of anxiety and antisocial behavior than the children of divorced couples do.

Depression rates among cohabiting couples are three times higher than among married couples!

The researchers believe the probable answer is that the uncertainty of commitment to each other leads to even higher anxiety. And since breakups by cohabiting adults is roughly double the rate of those getting divorced that anxiety appears to be warranted.

Cohabiting women are far more likely to be abused by their boyfriends than married women.

Their findings are grim. Women in cohabiting relationships are more than twice as likely to suffer physical and sexual abuse. And women in cohabiting relationships are nine times more likely to be murdered than married women!

So why are so many men and women cohabiting today? In my opinion because they are believing the lie, born in sin, that their own relationship will be the exception to the rule! However the very fact that they are unwilling to commit to marriage ought to be a flashing red light indicating "I'm not in love with you enough to marry you."

"Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually sins against their own body…You are not your own; you were bought with a price." 1 Corinthians 6:18-20