This edition from Simon and Schuster has been totally revised with expanded teachings and a study guide. Available in stores and online now!

Connect with Clare and others
about the book

Read what these people are saying about The 10 Second Rule
Click Here to Read Their Endorsements

  • Bill Hybels
  • Joni Eareckson Tada
  • Chip Ingram
  • Ed Dobson
  • Dick DeVos
  • Betty Huizenga
  • John Ortberg
  • Joe Stowell
  • David Green
  • Jim Samra
  • John Guest
  • Bob Buford
  • And More...
Free Resources (more)

4079 Park East Court, Suite 102
Grand Rapids, MI 49546
P. 616-942-0041

The 10 Second Rule™ is a registered trademark.
Comments & Privacy Policy
Terms & Conditions

Authority, Sin and Wisdom
Posted by Clare
Send This Post to a Friend Send This Post to a Friend

“Is it a sin to kiss?”

I was as surprised at the question as you are.  Asking it was a young woman, a high school senior, in a meeting with a dozen other students and myself in an informal question and answer session after I spoke at a high school in Florida a few weeks ago.

“Why do you ask?” “My parents have told me I may not kiss a boy until I’m engaged,” she said.  I then asked the other kids if any of their parents have made a similar rule.  None had.

So, I turned back to the girl and said, “Then for you to kiss is a sin, but it’s not for the rest of you.”  They were as shocked as the girl at my answer.

Parental Authority

“Let me be very clear,” I said to them.  “I’m not aware of any teaching in the Bible that declares kissing a sin.  It may be unwise, but it’s not a sin – except. And, here’s the exception; God has established certain authority structures on earth to rule on his behalf and to bring order to our lives.  The first to be established was the family, specifically your parents.  God made clear in the Ten Commandments, “Honor your father and mother” Deut. 5:16a.  That means more than simply respecting them.  It’s an acknowledgement of their authority over you whether you like it or not.

God has given your parents the authority to set rules and boundaries for their children as long as they don’t violate any other teaching of scripture because the Bible is the ultimate authority for all Christians. That’s why if your parents’ say you may not, or you must, for you not to obey them is probably a sin for you, until you’ve left your parent’s home permanently. However, the check and balance God put in place is that someday your parents will have to answer before God for the decisions they made, but until then they have authority over you. Just check out Ephesians 6:1-3 if you don’t believe me.” (And one kid looking for a loophole did!)

The Authority of the Church

The church too has authority.  A few years ago I took some college age boys and the youth pastor of my church to Europe.  At our first meal, the youth pastor asked if I was going to have wine with my meal.  He asked because our church back then prohibited elders (and I was one at that time) and staff from drinking alcohol.  I told the youth pastor that I couldn’t have wine.  He was incredulous!  “We’re in Paris – why not?”  Do you believe it’s a sin to drink?” he asked.  “No, I don’t,” I said.  “It’s not prohibited in scripture, unless you drink too much, but you and I are under the authority of the church so for us it actually would be a sin to drink.  Next year, when I’m no longer an elder, if I have a glass of wine, it may be unwise, but it won’t be a sin.”

“That feels like legalism,” he said.  I disagreed.  “In all fairness, I believe the establishment of the church policy set decades ago was legalistic.  Nevertheless, until it’s changed you and I voluntarily agreed to submit to the authority of the church and with that authority came the responsibility to obey the rules of our church whether we like them or not.  So, our obeying them isn’t legalism – it’s obedience and I think God expects that and honors it.”

There’s a reason I shared this story with these students.  I wanted them to understand that all believers, even older adults like me, live under the authority of God, the Bible and the local church they attend.  I don’t always like that authority and when I grew up I thought my parents had some stupid rules, like these students do now.  I broke a lot of their rules, but now I realize that most of the time they truly had my best interest at heart.  And so does God.  (Perhaps at a later date, I’ll also blog on the authority of governments and older adults in our lives.)

Is French kissing a sin?

“Then is French kissing a sin?” was the second question these budding Pharisees asked.  (Don’t laugh!  All of us are constantly probing the outer boundaries of sin.)  So I asked, “Has any parent prohibited you from French kissing except obviously the girl whose parents had a kissing ban?”  “No”, was their reply. “Then it’s not a sin either, but it’s probably very unwise.”  Here’s the second point I was trying to make to these students.

All sin is unwise, but not all unwise choices are sin.

“Let me ask you a follow-up question.  Have any of you French kissed and both of you were content to leave it at that – neither of you were tempted to go any further sexually?”  Their eyes suddenly found somewhere else to look.  I had their answer.  “That’s the problem”, I said.

“As young adults it’s time you began establishing your own boundaries.  When you were kids, your parents established them for you, but now you’re at an age when you’re going to have to make moral choices on a lot more things than those the Bible says are right or wrong.”  Here’s the question you’ll need to begin asking more.  “Is this wise to do?”  You have Christian freedom to do many things, but not every choice is wise.  I once knew a pastor whose family had a history of alcoholism who decided the only way he could be sure he’d never have the same problem was to never drink.  He wasn’t being legalistic.  He was being wise.

We then spent the balance of our time talking about the value of making pre-decisions and setting wise boundaries.  It’s chapter four in The 10 Second Rule, book.  I’ve also written Personal Boundaries for Men, which is a free download on the RESOURCES page of this website.

I’d suggest this week having a discussion with your children or grandchildren about authority, sin, wisdom, pre-decisions and boundaries.  I’ve found that even if they don’t like your rules or those of their parents or the church, framing it as a wisdom issue changes how they think about moral decisions.  While many students, even Christians resist moral absolutes, I’ve found that almost nobody wants to make stupid or unwise choices.

When the angel told John the Baptist’s father of Elizabeth’s pregnancy he said that John would, “Turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of righteousness.”  Luke 1:17b  Go beyond simply teaching them right from wrong, but get to the “why” of right and wrong – the wisdom of righteousness.  If you do, they’ll have more respect for both you and for God.

If you’re a parent of teens, you’ll learn a lot from this interview of why teens leave the faith and what can be done about it.

Question:  “Can you think of some rules you grew up with that may not be sin, according to the Bible, but were probably wise choices for your parents to make?”

NEXT WEEK: What it means to be an elder of the city.


Send This Post to a Friend Send This Post to a Friend
Share on Twitter
Share on Facebook
Would You Like to Subscribe to this Blog
Comments (5)
  1. Roger E Doane said...

    Great stuff Clare. Thanks.

  2. scott tubergen said...

    Clare- great posting. Jody and I have been talking about this very topic with our children ages 11,10,8,7. I have been trying to explain to them that they are a path somewhere between infant children and adults. Infant children defined as totally dependant on us for their well being and adults who are independant from us as providers. I have explained that although Adults have rules provided to them i.e. government,God,church, most rules must be self imposed rules. My personal definition of maturity is how well I can develope rules for myself and follow them. We are encouraging our children to start creating their own personal rules before we feel the need as parents to make rules for them. Thank you for this posting, it will be very helpful to us.

    scott tubergen

    • Clare said...

      Scott and Jody, I’ve watched you raise your children very intentionally to love God and each other. Bless you!

  3. Jennifer DeGraaf Tendero said...

    Oh I like these words. I wouldn’t have liked them when I was a teenager, but they ring true. I have lately been thinking that whenever kids ask how far physically they can go while dating, they’ve possibly already missed the point of God’s laws and Jesus’ teachings, which tells us our bodies are His house, our hearts His home, and that He wants our love more than anything, because it is our love for Him that will keep us pure, our desire to please Him that keeps us from sin. And when we start to wonder how much we can get away with before we get in trouble, we’re already further away than we should be.

    • Clare said...

      This our oldest daughter Jennifer, “of whom we are well pleased.” Thank you hon! Great words of wisdom.
      (All our children thought we were clueless until they got children of their own.)

Leave a Comment
To leave a comment on this post, please fill out the form below.

Hey, let's talk about a few ground rules so this will be a great experience for all of us.

1. I reserve the right to delete or not post comments that in my opinion are not God-honoring, critical of any person, or off topic. If in doubt, please read My Comments and Privacy Policy.

2. I require an email address with every comment, or post for accountability, but it won't be displayed with your post.

3. I'll never sell or share any user’s email address or personal information collected from comments, posts, subscriptions or gathered from purchases from our store.

4. Please do your best to keep comments or postings brief, or they may not be posted.